Divorce presents us with problems that don’t have easy answers. The advantages of co-parenting after divorce are clear- by both parents participating in decision making- both parents are actively engaged in a child’s life. But for most parents, having a low or no conflict relationship after the bitter struggle of divorce is just not realistic. But if parents don’t consciously try to reduce conflict, one or the other may take the matter back to court which will cause stress and chaotic uncertainty while the case is pending, and may produce undesired results from the court who may modify custody in a cookie cutter way which worsen the situation. Certainly taking an ex back to court to modify a custody order will cost a lot of money and will only worsen the relationship between the ex-spouses and make it even harder for them to communicate and co-parent in the future.
One fact is that after the divorce, parents no longer have
an incentive to compromise. Often there
is one parent who is more cooperative at the beginning, but after some
arguments and insults, they no longer cooperate and the relationship slides
into chaos.
Its important to view co-parenting as both a short and long
term venture. Very few divorced couples
have respectful, cooperative
relationships soon after the divorce.
But if you feel that this is how it will always be, you shouldn't give
in to your more negative emotions. While
you may never consider each other best friends, most parents eventually settle
into a civil relationship for the sake of the children. To do this earlier than later, it is helpful
to keep the following eight Tips in mind:
Tip 1: Redefine your
relationship
Try to see you ex not as friend, but as a business partner,
and your child as a business.
Tip2: Choose your
battles
Recognize that you have some control over your child, but
that there are some things you cannot control.
You can only do your best with the control you have.
Tip 3: Respect your
ex’s relationship with your child
You have a unique relationship with your child, but your ex
has an equal and separate relationship. Unless
there is abuse, your ex’s relationship is important to your child’s wellbeing. Don’t interfere or sabotage that
relationship. This means not just overt
sabotage such as keeping the child from having contact with the other parent,
but also subtle sabotage such as bad-mouthing your spouse in front of your
child.
Tip 4: If you have a
legitimate concern about your ex’s parenting, try to be diplomatic in how you
bring it up.
Instead of “You should..” try “Perhaps just consider..”
Instead of “I think you ought to..”, try “Obviously, its up
to you..”
Instead of “The way I do things..”, try “In case this is
helpful..”
Instead of “Try it this way..”; try “It may not work for you,
but here’s something that worked for me..”
Instead of “Here’s the solution”, try “Of course you can figure
out your own solutions, but here’s an idea if you want to consider it..”
The point is, before you contact the other parent, mentally
prepare yourself to resist the urge to explode in anger, call names, or shut
down the communication. Whether you
succeed in avoiding a fight over the issue or not, you will find a little
effort on your part will go a long way to your concern actually being
addressed.
Tip 5: Make it a
point to ensure your ex is included in your child’s life.
If you get information about an event in your child’s
school, extracurricular activities and other important occasions in your child’s
life, inform the other parent as soon as possible. It is hard to be angry with someone who is
making a real effort to keep you in the loop.
Tip 6: Be flexible.
Work with your ex to accommodate special occasions. Life is not always on a schedule. Be willing to switch weekends, or modify pick
up or drop off times. Hopefully the
other parent will reciprocate when you want some flexibility. But even if they don’t, remember your
flexibility is often for your children’s benefit, not the other parent’s.
Tip 7: Co-parenting
does not mean “equal parenting”.
Just because you are sharing time with your child doesn't
mean that each parent will be all things to a child during that time. We all fall into natural roles in parenting
and that doesn't change because of an artificial court order. One parent may more naturally be a more
emotionally nurturing parent. Another
may be a more experientially stimulating parent. There are many roles to play as a parent and
we have to acknowledge that we can’t be all things at all times. It doesn't make your ex a “bad parent” if
they aren't playing the same roles as you.
Your child will thrive if all aspects of parenting are given by both
parents.
Tip 8: Whenever you
are making a decision about your child, put her best interest as the first
consideration.
Try to separate your personal issues with your ex from the
decision you make for your child. Don’t say
“no” just because your ex says “yes”.
Especially soon after a divorce, you may need to get the advice of a
disinterested person such as family, friends, clergy or a therapist. When making decisions, you need to hold your
child’s best interest in mind and put down the old emotional baggage.
Most parents want to do what is right for their children,
but the intense emotions of divorce often cloud their views. Being a successful co-parent means being self-disciplined
in your communications with the other parent and raising your child’s needs
above your own hurt. It may be difficult
now, but if you keep trying your best, co-parenting will get easier over time.
